It's said that Divorce was not in the original set of Ten Commandments that Moses eventually threw down on the rebellious Israelites. The weakened, watered down version included Divorce as a way of repenting of bad choices.
No matter how you slice it, Divorce, anullment, abandoning a common law get together--it's all good (or bad) depending on your point of view. It's an end. For some, a new beginning. Everyone on both sides are never more the same.
A little seedling of a family we know went through the cycle. Eight years ago--happy wedding--in a temple forever. She wanted lots of stuff--like her folks had taken a lifetime to gather. He wanted to please her and couldn't make "NO" stick. They maxed out the credit cards early, borrowed from friends and family they then avoided and dreamed of putting a new baby in a makeshift crib made from the box the giant flat screen came in. She found a short sale house she just had to have. The young husband was about to lose his job again, but they found a greedy mortage company--and he piled debt on debt as they struggled to make house payments and student loans and all the consumer loans for all the stuff.
One day he had a chance to sell his big screen for nickles on the dollar--and he took it, while the loan for it was still outstanding with a balance to match the screen left owing.
A sister pitched thousands of dollars of cosmetics--and she thought she could take a second job. The first time it happened, he hit the roof. She sold a few things...but filled half the spare bedroom with her bottles and boxes. The second time her sister came calling, she thought she could do better. She didn't. He concluded he couldn't trust her and things went down hill pretty quick from there.
Then his job fell through--Sunday shifts meant less and less church--further and further from their Bishop and the very few friends they had made in their new ward. They tried to keep up with appearances. They at least saw their families at holiday time while they struggled to meet obligations--and finally it was TOO much.
Unable to live within their means, unable to say "NO" when it counted--missed payments and suddenly the word that sounded a deathnell to their marriage: Foreclosure!
She suddenly didn't understand him, so he hid out at a nearby restaurant to "study" She borrowed considerable money from a relative who suddenly became her new best friend. The wedge was set. Slowly they stopped talking on the rare occasions they were unexpectedly in their house (knowing that they were about to lose it)
Suddenly there was less civility--more shrill! Suddenly he was less attentive because she couldn't be trusted. She was less trusting of him because he had stopped giving her ME time--working extra jobs and studying extra hard because so he wouldn't waste his high five figure student loans. By the time he graduated with his bachelors, real estate agents were closing in on their short sale. He earned his degree and lost his wife.
The only one who would listen to her was the relative who'd loaned her money. She'd long since stopped attending church--and hadn't paid her tithing in years. Neither had he. They couldn't face the reality of their indebtedness..so a budget--even to figure out which part of which bill to pay with their teeny money together was a joke. He ignored bill collectors unless they hired an attorney--which more and more of them did to get his attention. Frustration mounted. He'd been taught to go to the Bishop. She wouldn't let him out of pride and sins too big to face.
That's when he rammed his fist through the bedroom door. All they ever did was argue. Each had to have the last word. They had reached the bottom of a very complex hole--and moving out of the house when it sold moments before forclosure--meant moving away from one another.
She had taken to drinking bright colored, candy flavored alcohol--now and again. She liked how it let her forget her troubles for a little while. She had gone to church in lockstep with her family...and she liked the freedom living alone provided, even if her lendor lived right up stairs. Closets? She didn't need no stinkin' closets, when all of her clothes were arranged so artfully on the floor, over the furniture--with no husband to nag her about putting them away on "HANGERS!!!"
She scraped together the three or four hundred dollars to file for divorce--after she moved into the basement apartment of the relative who'd loaned her money. They spoke only if they had to. He moved in with his parents who provided free rent, free food and soft shoulder's to cry on. Newly alone, he calculated the bills and was surprised to see they were manageable--so he set about managing them alone--and he liked that. A friend helped him divide the bills on paper and on the day they both went to the court house to file papers and begin the process, he had her accept her half and he signed the same notarized statement to accept his.
At the court house they stood before a clerk who time stamped the paperwork, looked it over and smiled at them with the phrase, "Your divorce is granted!" The now ex wife looked at her ex husband with surprize and asked the clerk, "Don't we have to see a judge, take a class, do something ELSE?"
"No," the clerk chuckled. "In the rare cases like yours where there's no children and no money or property to worry about, the court will grant you what you both want and give you ninety days to think it over."
Relief all around. She had found a "friend" she dated long distance by computer. They were both so grateful for the exchange of passion through the keyhole of a real time camera. He was already playing the field. They'd been separated long enough.
Her father couldn't bring himself to accept the divorce. It reflected on his self image--on his family's reputation! He begged both of them to reconcile. She ignored him. The young now nearly former husband appreciated the attention he was getting from this man, but he was happy to be done with her and didn't care who knew it.
It's a few days before the legal will be final. He still keeps in touch with her. They're friends, after a fashion-- Her former fling has already ended badly in spite of the sharing they have done by long distance camera. She's had time to reflect--and she asked her soon to be former husband if he would.....ever...........reconsider?
He didn't have to think about it. He was loving the relief he felt, loving meeting new friends, friends he could pursue with more passion in a few short days. loving finally getting some of the little bills paid off without having to negotiate the TREATY OF PARIS with a GOTTAHAVEwanna be.
"Nope--not in a hundred million years," he told her.
He'd had inklings early--before the long distance travel to a far away temple and taking covenants and eternal vows--but he thought they could work out the challenges she faced. She didn't cook and didn't want to. She'd crack open a can of chicken noodle soup if she was hungry--but she didn't care about his needs. (DANGER SIGN #1) She'd never made a budget--and he thought he'd talked about it with his mom once-- but they had credit cards...and FDIC--it was a family joke. (DANGER SIGN#2) She had home schooled and passed high school, but had no desire to get any additional education. He knew he'd need at least a Master's degree--and the support of a good woman to get through school with considerable debt. He got his Bachelor's but he'll get his Masters and beyond alone. (DANGER SIGN#3)
It was hard to tell that they're personalities were built to conflict. She is a passive agressive with giant needs for things--status, popularity-- inevitable Debt, alcohol abuse. She seems relaxed and easy--she must have the last word and her way!
He has been a slow learner since early grade school with a hair trigger and temper to match. If he can't have his way, he KNOWS its high time to dig in and FIGHT! Anyone can take his temperature by measuring the cleft in his forehead. Trust is a big thing with him. Anybody caught going behind his back (for cosmetic deals or loans from relatives) is suspect--and forgiveness is less and less likely.) Devotion to education is everything to him. Meant nothing to her. ME time high on her prioirity-- Escape to neutral territory VERY HIGH on his.
In many ways the foreclosure and short sale of HER home was a merciful means of ending the less than celestial marriage that limped along within. Oh, they could pull it off, but the signs were not encouraging.
Pre-married souls with so many of the advantages that he and she brought to the altar--should take heed going forward. Temple marriage can be the end of all their troubles, but as Elder Bruce Hafen once asked in a conference address--which end? JWH
To nominate a friend or family member for the Great Grampa Hall of Fame click here!
